My big sister passed away two and a half years ago. That timeline had not occurred to me until I was sitting at dinner with my niece and she asked my little sister how long it had been. My heart has ached for that long. I have cried for that long. I have wanted to talk to her, wanted her to come visit, wanted her to be at every event in my son's life, wanted to tell her about my silly first graders (she loved those stories,) wanted to call her on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing and have been unable to do so for two and a half years.
That's not all though. I've been sad, angry, hurt, confused, lonely, guilty, heartbroken for that long, too.
Pain-there is just no other word for the loss of a sibling-it hurts. Especially when you are so close. Especially when she was like your role model for fun, your go to person for any craft/costume/food, your crisis management center, your biggest cheerleader, and had the best laugh in the world. In this two and half years of pain, I have also gained A LOT of weight.
I was in denial for a while. "You'll get back on track in a few months." Then I was feeling sorry myself "Why is our family cursed?" Then I was ashamed of myself. Then I was all, "Food will make it better." Then I was excuse queen, "I'm too busy for cutting veggies and running laps." Then I was angry, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it now." I put myself on a few diets here and there, only to crash and burn.
Thing is, and it has taken me two and a half years to really figure this out and accept it-my sister, whom I love so much and who loved me so much, does not want me to be unhealthy. She would not want me to feel bad, set a bad example, or not feel pretty. So I decided right before Christmas, right before pigging out at Granny's (my sister would be so proud) that I would make a change. I didn't tell anyone. It was just sitting in the back of mind. I'm going to do better. I don't want to be skinny, that would freak everyone out! I just want to be at the weight I was before my sister passed away. (See pictures below.)
This is going to be no small feat friends. It is a lot of weight. But I'm going to make it happen. I'm not joining a program, I'm just going to make some changes. I'm going to exercise and eat better.
I'm going to remember how it felt to put on those pants I haven't worn in two and a half years. I'm going to think about running around with T and not being exhausted. I'm going to like having my picture made. I'm going to look like this again....I can do this, right?
|with my sister and T|
three years ago
|with one of my best friends, Mel|
two and half years ago...Is that really me?